Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2017

Struggling Student

I Made a meal for everyone. Hours of buying, chopping, slicing seasoning. Laid the table, placed the serviettes, flowers in a vase – it looked beautiful. Don’t fancy eating anything (can’t eat anything), have used full fat milk, cooking oil etc. I’ll say I had a mega large lunch or, I feel ill.

Declined an invitation to eat out tonight. Not sure if they will have my ‘safe’ foods. Besides, I have nothing decent to wear. My clothes feel tight and unforgiving, my jewellery feels tight. I don’t feel like part of the crowd. No more selfies, thanks.

Walked to and from work again – 8 hour shift (3 miles each way). Up early to arrive for 7.30 a.m. start. Beautiful day -full of energy. Arrived home, don’t need the lift. Up 8 flights of stairs to my room, then up and down a few times for fitness. Put some music on and decided to do some exercise in the common room, have some company. I’m weighing myself on friend’s scales 3 floors down (just to keep an eye on things) at least twice a day.

Exercise buddy stopped to have some supper- maybe I should? Fridge in my room is empty apart from nail varnish (lasts x 10 longer). Maybe I’ll check the fridge in the shared kitchen – nothing of interest in there but I am hungry. I know, I’ll check the bin – maybe…….. Yep, some mouldy bread and cheese. I scrape off the mould, take one bite and then feel disgusted with myself so, throw it away.

Nearly lost it this weekend. I went into the newsagent and bought all of the chocolate and sweets that I love (weakness). I came out of the newsagent and put it all in the bin – it felt good, and I felt strong.

Weight is falling off! I’m feeling good but, people have stopped saying how ‘good ‘ I look. Friends are telling me to stop. I think they are jealous of what I have achieved; my determination, my willpower, my results.

Heating is on nearly all the time now, (thank goodness it is included in the monthly bill). I have hairier arms now, like a premature baby but, the great thing is I haven’t had a period for at least 6 months.

Feeling quite tired now and finding concentrating harder. Counting most of my calories in cuppa soups and black coffee. Know the calorific value of almost everything. Had a lot to eat yesterday but got rid of it quite easily. Took the laxatives at night time and they worked first thing in the morning.

Maybe I’ll do this for a while……….

Am now anaemic. I feel dreadful and am overweight. Skin is pale, nails are flaking, fingers are blue. Hair is dull and falling out and my heart has developed a disco rhythm. Thinking about food ALL THE TIME……What I can eat and what I can’t eat. It’s all I think about – every waking moment. Hell on earth.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Talk to someone – this is not just your fight.

You can get better. You can get SORTED.